Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner can be incredibly challenging. Narcissistic individuals often exhibit self-centered behaviors, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for control, making it difficult to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship. However, despite these challenges, it is essential to prioritize the well-being of the children involved.

To effectively co-parent with a narcissistic ex-partner, it is crucial to gain an understanding of narcissism and its effect on co-parenting dynamics. Narcissistic individuals often prioritize their own needs and desires above all else, including the well-being of their own children. They may engage in manipulative tactics, power struggles, and difficulty making decisions in the best interests of the children. Recognizing these behaviors and their effects on co-parenting is the first step toward developing the right strategies.

What are the signs of a narcissistic co-parent?

Per Psychology Today, narcissists find any way possible to complicate the other parent’s life, including:

• “Refusing to hand the child(ren) over for the other parent’s time;
• Texting or calling the parent, the child, (or both!) nonstop during the other parent’s time;
• Involving the child(ren) in mental and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or being the parent with no rules or punishments, and comparing everything to the other parent’s ability to plan or provide;
• Refusing to abide by the custody schedule or rules, such as moving school districts or failing to give notice about taking the child out of state;
• Changing their schedules or the children’s schedule without consulting with the other parent and telling them of changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to accommodate and change their schedule;
• Harassing and cyberbullying the other parent until they give in to demands;
• Threatening to bankrupt or ruin the other parent;”
• And more.

Effective communication strategies for a narcissist

Communication is key to successful co-parenting, even with a narcissistic ex-partner. However, it is crucial to establish boundaries and employ strategies that minimize conflict. Keep the following effective communication strategies in mind:

• Keep communication businesslike. When communicating with a narcissistic ex-partner, it is important to keep the focus on the children and stick to the facts only. Avoid personal or emotional discussions and do not engage in arguments or respond to provocations.
• Use written communication. Email or text messaging can provide a written record of conversations and minimize misinterpretation and miscommunication. Keep messages brief, specific, and focused on co-parenting matters.
• Use a neutral tone. Respond calmly and neutrally to avoid escalating conflicts. Maintain a professional and composed demeanor, even if the other parent attempts to provoke a reaction.
• Establish (and respect) boundaries. Clearly define communication boundaries and expectations. Set specific guidelines for acceptable forms of communication and stick to them consistently.
• Consider co-parenting apps/websites. Co-parenting apps or websites can provide a structured platform for communication and scheduling. These tools often offer features such as shared calendars, expense tracking, and messaging options that can minimize direct contact and facilitate co-parenting communication.

Set boundaries and implement “parallel parenting”

Setting clear boundaries and implementing parallel parenting can be effective strategies when co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner. These strategies help protect your well-being, maintain focus on the children, and prevent manipulation. Consider the following approaches:

• Define your boundaries. Establish boundaries that define what behaviors and actions are unacceptable. Clearly communicate these boundaries to the narcissistic ex-partner and enforce them consistently.
• Limit your contact. Minimizing direct contact with the narcissistic ex-partner can reduce opportunities for conflict. Explore options such as utilizing a neutral third party for exchanges or communicating solely through a co-parenting app or website.
• Utilize parallel parenting. Parallel parenting involves disengaging from direct communication with the narcissistic ex-partner and each parent taking responsibility for specific aspects of the children’s lives. This approach allows for more independence and reduces conflicts arising from differing parenting styles or values.
• Establish a parenting plan. Develop a detailed parenting plan that outlines expectations, schedules, and responsibilities. This provides a structured framework for co-parenting and reduces the need for ongoing negotiation and potential conflict.
• Coordinate, not cooperate. When co-parenting with a narcissist, it is essential to shift the mindset from cooperation to coordination. Instead of trying to work together, focus on coordinating schedules, sharing information relevant to the children, and making decisions independently within the established boundaries.

Prioritize your children’s well-being and your self-care

The well-being of the children should always be the central focus when co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner. Additionally, prioritizing self-care is crucial to maintaining your own emotional well-being. Consider the following strategies:

• Shield the kids from conflict. Protect children from conflicts between parents. Refrain from discussing adult matters or using children as messengers. Shield them from any negative comments or derogatory language about the other parent.
• Create a world of consistency and stability. Establish consistent routines and rules between households to provide stability for the children. Consistency helps minimize confusion and anxiety.
• Teach emotional resilience. Demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms to deal with any stress or confusion resulting from the co-parenting situation. Encourage open communication and provide emotional support to your children.
• Seek professional support. Engage the services of a family therapist, mediator, or parenting coordinator who can provide guidance, facilitate communication, and help establish healthy boundaries. Professional support can be invaluable in navigating the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner.
• Practice self-care. Prioritize your well-being by practicing self-care. Take time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to process your emotions and experiences. Remember the old adage about putting on your own oxygen mask before placing it on your children – you can’t help your kids if you’re not helping yourself first.

Remember, co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner can present significant challenges, but by employing effective strategies, it is possible to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship for the well-being of the children involved.

If you’re facing challenges with a narcissistic co-parent, the Law Offices of James A. Graham want to help. Feel free to call our offices or complete our contact form to schedule a case review with our New Orleans divorce attorney today.